Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Week in reverse

Last week took me back in time. I suppose I knew after my husband Mickey passed away that a time would come when I would again be involved with his family.

You get married and you inherit a mom, dad, and siblings. Absolutely no different then being born into a family. You really don't know what you are getting and sometimes you hit the jackpot and sometimes you don't.

Mickey's mother passed away on August 7, one week after I had gone to see her in Hospice for the last time. Mickey died in January of 2004 and at that time his mother was in fairly good health. His father preceded him in death by seven years. She was 81.

We spent a lot of time with his family off and on through the 17 years we were married and I don't remember there being any major disagreements. But in the last 6 months of his life when he needed a lot of care, some words were spoken, hurtful words by one of his sisters. And it took time to get over that. And I really don't remember even one phone call during the weeks following his death from his family to check on me, there were a couple of phone calls to see if they could have this or that item.

But time passes and you get over the sadness, the hurts, the bad memories and you move on. After three years I met Larry and remarried so there was no contact with Mickey's family, until Mom got sick.

I heard about it through the work grapevine as one of his sisters works where I do. We get along fine but family things didn't come up much and we work on separate floors in separate departments, so we don't see each other very often. Anyway when I heard Mom was in Hospice I went by to see her. She wasn't herself for sure and the memories flooded in as I visited with his favorite Aunt and one of his sisters.

Then on the 12th she was buried. Because I thought it was the right thing to do I attended the viewing and the funeral. It was nice seeing everyone, there were a lot of hugs, and smiling faces seemingly glad to see me. But that one person who ignores you, can't look you in the eye, can make you feel so unimportant and very uncomfortable.

I promised myself I would not get drug down, but I was. Memories hurt when they aren't good memories. I'm sure she doesn't like me probably never did, so why did I try so hard?
The funny thing is she treats her sisters the same way, so again why am I taking this so personally. I should be feeling sorry for her because she's the one who needs help not me.

The one thing she said to me during Mickey's illness that hurt the worst was, "If he were my husband I would be staying here with him all the time." He was in the hospital at that time with poor but controllable health issues. This lady has never worked outside her home and I was at this time the sole provider for our household and the provider of the medical insurance that was paying the hospital bills. My comment was, "If it was your husband you could afford to stay full time, but I have to work so we can afford for him to be here." Her husband later apologized to me for her. That happened more than once as others always apologized for her.

Mickey was an alcoholic and died with liver disease at a too young age. I've started a book entitled "Unequally Yoked to A.A. (An Alcoholic). Not sure I will ever be able to finish it as I put much of that sadness away a long time ago, until my Week in Reverse, but like so many doors, I think this one has finally closed.

I left the funeral and went for some Therapy Shopping. After purchasing two pair of "Feel Good" shoes I was able to say my own personal good bye to the lady I knew as Mom for 17 years, and know that I was ready for a new week and totally committed to my new life and extended family members.



1 comment:

Robynn's Ravings said...

PLEASE finish the book. So many would be helped and touched by it. And you have such a beautiful voice.